Is going to therapy the same as talking to your friends?

You’ve probably heard that person in a conversation when therapy is brought up who says, “I don’t need therapy; I have friends to tell my problems to!”. Maybe you are that person. It’s a sentiment that is not uncommon and as a therapist, I hear it quite often when telling people what my job is.

Is it true though? Is having friends to talk to about your problems the same as talking to a therapist?

While strong, supportive friendships are a crucial part of a person’s support network and play a big role in psychological recovery, they differ quite significantly from engaging in talk therapy with a trained professional.

Friends

There are certainly ways in which friendships may provide a similar function to therapy. For example, talking to friends about your worries can be just as effective in providing you with feelings of validation and feeling heard and accepted, and the act of verbalising one’s thoughts and worries with a trusted person, not only a therapist, can be helpful in and of itself.

Friendships provide us support in very important ways. People with close friends experience more life satisfaction and are less likely to suffer from depression (1) and as such, may be less likely to need therapy. Furthermore, having close friends can act as a buffer when we are experiencing challenging or adverse life events, making it feel easier for us to handle stress or take on a challenge (2). Having meaningful friendships can even help us live longer lives (3).

However, there may be things that we experience that a friend does not have the tools or capacity to help with, and a person’s emotional range and ability to provide support varies on an individual basis.  

Therapist

A lot of people do consider their therapist to be like a type of friend (4), though, therapists possess an array of skills and knowledge and in depth understanding of human experiences not privy to a lay friend. A trained talk therapist, that is, a counsellor, psychotherapist, or psychologist, will undertake many years of study, practical experience and skill development that continues all throughout their career.

Here are 7 ways therapists differ from friends:

• Therapists have skills to help you explore your concern. For example, Socratic questioning, which aims to challenge your beliefs and deepen your awareness through asking questions.

• Therapists have an objective view of you and your concern and can provide an unbiased perspective.

• Therapists won’t give advice, instead they will try to help you come to your own resolution.

• Therapists will try to challenge some of your unhelpful thoughts or beliefs in a gentle way.

• Therapists are required to maintain confidentiality, so you can be confident your secrets will be kept.

• Therapy is all about you, and therapists will provide their undivided attention solely on you and your concerns, without you feeling obliged to reciprocate.

• Therapy provides more targeted support than a friend, focusing on psychological recovery, improving wellbeing and practicing and developing personal skills.

(6)

“Clinicians also are trained to listen in order to understand their clients; encourage independent thinking and self-reflection; and highlight their blind spots” states expert on depression Dr Deborah Serani (5).

Therapy or friend?

It’s true, the act of verbalising your thoughts and feelings can be helpful, whether to a friend or therapist. This is why it is called “talk therapy”, as it can be a therapeutic act just to talk about ones worries. However, the type of support you will gain from either a friend or therapist differs greatly. Ultimately, the difference between the two is that with friends you may receive helpful advice, support, empathy and trust, while in therapy you receive objectivity, confidentiality, trust, focused support, undivided attention and skilled contributions.

Studies show both therapy and friends are important factors in psychological functioning and recovery (7, 8), even more importantly the quality of your friendships and quality of therapist. One cannot replace the other, as both serve important functions and provide support in different ways. Some problems might be helpful to vent about to a friend, while mental health conditions require the support of a trained clinician.

By Shayna McKenzie

BPsychSci, GDip Couns, MA Couns.

Certified Practicing Counsellor.

References

1. Choi, K., et al. (2020). An Exposure-Wide and Mendelian Randomization Approach to Identifying Modifiable Factors for the Prevention of Depression. American Journal of Psychiatry, 177(10), 944–954. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2020.19111158

2. Abrams, Z. (2023, June 1). The science of why friendships keep us healthy. American Psychological Association; Zara Abrams. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship

3. Making Good Friends - HelpGuide.org. (2018, November 3). HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends

4. Hallam, R. (2018). The therapy relationship: A special kind of friendship. Routledge.

5. How Is Therapy Different from Talking to a Friend? (2016, May 17). Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-how-therapy-is-different-from-talking-to-a-friend#1

6. Common Misconceptions About Therapy Cleared Up. (n.d.). Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-is-talk-therapy-different-from-talking-to-a-friend-5181588

7. Stubbe, D. E. (2018). The therapeutic alliance: The fundamental element of psychotherapy. FOCUS, 16(4), 402–403. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.focus.20180022

8. Drageset, J. (2021, March 12). Social Support (G. Haugan & M. Eriksson, Eds.). PubMed; Springer. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK585650/